I did my
Yoga routine this morning. This is one
of my goals for 2012: incorporate calming, deep breathing, stretching yoga into
my daily life. I have recorded about
eight routines on the DVR. This
particular Yoga series is very mild and relaxing and I have found that it
significantly improves my health. I
could have used its healing power a long time ago.
When I was
eleven my mother and father sat me down and said, “Which
would you rather do, take dance or take piano lessons?” My older sisters both took piano lessons and
were accomplished singers and musicians.
It was discovered that my younger sister could benefit from dance
lessons as physical therapy for a problem with short tendons in her legs. My mother found a dance teacher who gave
lessons in her home. So there I was
with the option of one or the other. I chose dance.
I very much
wish that I could play piano but if I could only do one, dance was by far the
best choice for me. I was a middle
child sandwiched between two talented older sisters, an adorable younger sister
whose needs required extra attention, and a long awaited baby brother. It seems silly now but I was plagued by
feelings of being awkward and unlovely and dance was great therapy.
My teacher
was a blonde statuesque beauty by the name of Jean Enright. Her garage was fitted with mirrors and a
ballet barre. I was one of her older
students. I took lessons from her for about five
years. My last performance at one of her
recitals was when I was sixteen. Because
of those lessons I was in Choreodancers at Rolling Hills High School, I danced
in high school dance concerts and musicals, I danced in church plays and talent
shows, and I danced for a short time at
Brigham Young University in Ballet Theater and Modern Dance Club.
My mother
encouraged me to get a degree in dance and do as my teacher had done, teach
dance. My mother was probably right but
I resisted. I think I resisted because
although dance was a joy, it was also a heartache. It was very hard for me. All dancers must work hard and be disciplined
but I felt like I was fighting my body’s basic nature. I am not naturally limber or flexible. I struggled to be confident on stage. Although I am slender, I don’t have the
curveless figure of the ideal ballet dancer, and I felt like I was too
tall. Knowing what I know now about the
varieties of dance styles and opportunities, I realize I was too self-conscious
and too pessimistic. In spite of that,
dance was a great blessing in my life. I
acquired poise and grace and confidence that my awkward young self very much
needed. I love to dance. I had wonderful experiences performing and
making friends through dance.
After I had
my second child, while I was at the doctor being treated for strep throat, I learned
something about my body that shed more light on why dance was hard for me. I have an obscure malady with the weird name,
“Essential Tremors.” I realized that
the trembling in my legs and arms was not just because of exertion during a
difficult work out. I learned that being
still and steady on stage wasn’t just because I had stage fright. I love
performing. I am not afraid of
performing. I am afraid of the
unexpected trembling of my body that I cannot control. I sing and that same malady had consequences
during vocal performance. I once toyed
with becoming a nurse, but tremors in my hands made me give up that as a possibility
because I could not imagine being able to give shots and place IV needles in
patients with my trembling hands.
The worst
part is that people often express concern that I am anxious or nervous because
they notice the trembling. Truthfully, I
am at times anxious and nervous, and I am sometimes a bit frenetic. I think I’m
a productivity junkie. I bustle around
at high speed getting as much done as possible. Which isn’t actually, all that
productive sometimes. All this does not
help calm my essential tremors.
These days I
take beta-blockers to control my tremors.
Beta blockers are also useful for performance anxiety and
shakiness. Yoga with its stretching,
deep breathing, Zen quality is probably the best thing I am doing to get my
tremors under control.
To get the
most out of my Yoga sessions both physically and mentally, I must slow down,
still my mind, and create a zone of existence where nothing matters but the
present NOW: t he body breathing in health, light, and
peace; breathing out stress and
discomfiture of all kinds. It was very
hard at first. Hard like dance was hard.
I’m not limber. Some poses are
difficult. But it gets easier every day. My muscles are more limber every day. I feel more youthful and more productive as I
take this time to slow down.
Aches and
pains and stress are eased in that timeless space where I am at peace with
myself and my maker and the challenges he as blessed me with. Be still and breathe.
“Be still
and know that I am God.” Psalms 46:10
